The battle between the mind and the heart is a painfully trite conflict, encountered almost every moment in one's life or in a friend's or in a fictional character. It encompasses struggles as frivolous as wanting to have chocolate when you're supposed to be on a diet and those as grave as well as... well, doing something you're mortally forbidden to do, or even think about. Normally, however, such battles vary over minutes, or days, or weeks, so much so that when won once, the victory becomes easier to repeat, and the matter is trivial in retrospect.

But how long can somebody fight? However valiant the warrior is, weariness will seep through, beat him down and force him to run for cover. Hiding like a coward and waiting until the heat dies down... That's what somebody should do in a battle that cannot be won, no matter how much blood the heart pumps to fuel the spirit, no matter how sturdy the walls of justifications it builds.

I fancy myself a brave one... stupid, yes, but brave all the same. So I plough on and on, unmindful of the cuts; I can tend to them later. There'll be tears to spare, but no, there will be no regrets. By being foolhardy, I save myself from regrets.

Oh, would it that I believed in the body as the sole entity of a human! Would it that I had no regard for the soul! For I do know, as deeply as my mind can fathom, that whatever happiness I feel by fighting will be rewarded by my own death, my own damnation. It is an evil choice, one that I pray no one will ever be forced to make... One that I've made before and that I have to make once more.

Amidst the pounding of my heart, cheered by the possibility of indulging for oh! just a little, the mind stakes its claim over the body and the soul, clearly superior and stronger than ever, and the heart now trembles in fear. It will be ignored once again; it knows itself subservient to the intellect, and it beats more loudly... Not in protest, but in resignation as it helps me scamper away from the raging battle to somewhere far. Somewhere safe and cold.

And I wonder if I will be punished for my insolence, punished for having dared, or if heaven will smile down at me, pleased with my decision. Perhaps the angels will tell me that my cowardice is my bravery, my mind is my redemption, and my safety is my salvation. The battle, in their sense, has been won, and the tears I cry should be tears of joy.

Yet like that perennial battle between good and evil, frighteningly akin to that between the mind and the heart, will never be over. This peace, in unrest even to my ears, is temporary. A ceasefire as both sides prepare their weapons and strap their ammunitions. And I know that soon, I'll be thrown into a middle of an encounter, and I'll fight for some time, despair eventually exhausting me, and then I'll have to choose all over again.

Long ago I had succumbed to the perils of courage, of that determination to possess the possible best of what I want. Heaven condemned me a loser, although frankly, I couldn't feel it in the giddy tickling of the flames. Now I am on their side. And the view is certainly terrific from that pedestal of intellect, and I feel a new kind of power, of strength.

But in heaven, the brightness of the sun only increases the clouds' tears.

Right. My mum asked me to make a tarpaulin to hang inside the clinic, and just so I don't flounder like a newbie while doing it, I've decided to practice on... who else but David Heart-chuleta?

I posted this on ArchuletaFans.Com.  This goes out to my fellow Arch Angels, who make up one of the most wonderful fanbases I've ever known. Living up to David Archuleta's good-naturedness, the Arch Angels have made it a point to try and not  bash other contestants, to be humble in the midst of their idol's greatness and gracious even in temporary defeats, and to simply enjoy and bask in the glorious music that David Archuleta has gifted them with.

Dear fellow Arch Angels,

Last night, we saw the end we've long been waiting and working for. It wasn't the end we'd expected, the end we'd hoped and prayed for, but it was the end, nonetheless. Or a figurative end, if you will, for I do not doubt our David's journey has stopped last night, nor do I doubt that our journey with him has also come to an end.

I can't exactly claim to put into words what we must all be feeling right now. I know I'm grieving... because David did not win the title, because all the negative things we've endured for the past weeks seemed to have catapulted in last night, because what should have been his triumph wasn't. I try to be brave like him. I try to smile, just like he did, and comfort myself by saying that it had been an honest competition, that perhaps the other contestant was really that good, that he deserved it more than our David... I tried to think like him, to be humble and to concentrate on the positive side of things, like he once said.

But I lack the grace that he has, that stubborn joy that makes him incandescent. I hope you don't think me bad for this. I hope you realise that yes, it's okay for us to be sad even if the person who should be the most disappointed tries to be strong. So I grieve, if only for a brief time. Or maybe longer, as I can already see the kind of news the media will say about him. Longer even, since I know people around me will mock me for being on the losing end, for believing so much in this young boy, so much so that I've cut out part of my life for him.

I've read stories in this forum about people being taunted for supporting David. I've undergone the same things, and last night will make it worse for me, if anything. I've given up trying to explain to them, trying to make them understand the incredible magic David has and how he has touched my heart... many hearts. They must be made of stone, those cynics, and I just want them to leave me alone lest they taint me and my ideals, my newly resurrected belief that there are lots of good things in this world.

David Archuleta is one of them. You, my fellow Arch Angel, are another.

From the start of this competition, I had predicted a David Archuleta win not just because of his magnificent voice and the fanbase to match, but because the said fanbase's dedication. I saw how you covered up for each other in voting, how everybody strived to vote as fast and best as they could. I witnessed the conceptualisation and eventual putting into action of the International Voting Project, saw the work put into the wristband, the shop and the scrapbook... Each time, the heartwarming silliness of it all made me smile and me so proud to be one of you. To be amongst you.

I guess I can go as far as to say that yes, you inspired me just as much as David Archuleta did.

It's amazing, really, just fantastic, they way people from different countries and cultures have gotten together and have leaned on and supported each other for this young man. I mean, if there had been something called "Fan Idol", I think we're more than deserving to be crowned the winner, don't you think? ;)

See, I'm feeling better now, just thinking of you guys, listening to David's music, and remembering all that has happened before now. :) Thank you so much, fellow Arch Angels, for being here for David. For being here, friends only through the Internet and yet being able to share my heart and mind.

Thank you, thank you, thank you! :) I'm sure we'll be seeing each around this site. :D

With love,
Jade
(archuletaisheaven)

Sometimes, you struggle too hard in search for an explanation, something that could make sense of the jumbled pieces, a rationale with which to assemble them. You look back not just once, but many times over, expecting to come across another clue that might help you solve the mystery. But not all mysteries have an answer, nor do they even require an explanation as to why they remain unsolved. And sometimes, you search for something good from the rubble, something like a lesson learned or some wisdom gained, and the experience denies you even that. There's simply nothing, nothing. At the end of all things, you're with yourself... and, if you're lucky, with the real understanding of a friend or two.

Nasa UP Diliman ako kanina, paikot-ikot sa jeep. Masarap sa mata ang pagka-luntian ng paligid, at hindi ko mapigilang ikumpara ito sa walang buhay na grey ng UP Manila. Kung sa bagay, ang mundo nga naman ay in shades of grey.

Sa gitna ng ingay ng makina at nagdadaanang sasakyan, sa init ng araw at usok ng tambutso, nagiisip ako. Saan nga ba ako naging mas masaya: sa Pisay o sa UP Diliman? Lagi kasing sinasabi ng nanay ko na high school daw ang pinakamasayang parte ng buhay ng isang estudyante. Sa kolehiyo daw kasi, kanya-kanya na. Ngunit marahil kakaibang sitwasyon ang sa MBB dahil kakaunti talaga kami.

Naalala ko tuloy ang sabi ng isang emcee nung orientation sa UP Manila: na ang mga tao daw sa College of Medicine ay nagre-regress sa pagkabata dahil magkakakilala ang mga tao, Small community nga daw kasi ang CM. Ang una ko talagang naisip, "What?!" Sa isang batch nga sa CM, 160 ang estudyante. Merong limang batches, at pag isinama mo pa ang mga miyembro ng faculty, mga kawani... Kamusta naman ang small community? Sa MBB nga, wala pang 160 ang lahat ng tao. Anong tawag sa amin, basic social unit? Therefore, sabi namin habang natatawa, magpprogress kami!

Matapos nun ay lima kaming sabay-sabay umuwi, nakasakay sa kotse ni Kevin: ako, si Kevin, Joshua, June at Clint. Dama ko sa paguusap namin na lahat kami, excited na mag-medicine. Parang bagong buhay kasi uli. Pero si Kevin, paulit-ulit niyang binabanggit ang salitang 'change'. Pagbabago nga naman talaga. Malaking pagbabago. Hindi lang kami ang nakakaramdam; pati sina Andrea, sina Kent at Biji. At ewan ko ba, parang lahat kaming MBB na magme-med, alam namin na dapat mas maging close kami sa isa't-isa. Kailangan makasabay kami sa pagbabago. Tulad nga ng sabi ko kay Andrea, doon mo siguro malalaman kung isa ang puso ng mga tao, kapag nakakasabay nang sabay-sabay sa pagbabago.

Kaya bumalik nga tayo sa una kong tanong. Saan nga ba ako naging mas masaya: sa Pisay o sa MBB? Masaya sa Pisay, kasi dun nadisimula ang lahat ng galit ko galing grade school. Dun ko nalaman kung ano ang totoong kaibigan, kung sinu-sino ang mga totoo kong kaibigan. Pero hindi ko talaga maiwasang maisip ang mga masasakit na bagay kapag naisip ko ang Pisay; isa ito sa mga dahilan kung bakit ayaw kong bumalik doon. Kaya rin ako kinakabahan sa med kasi ang daming Pisay. Parang Pisay all over again na naman. Immature at stupid pakinggan, pero sa palagay ko I'm entitled to it naman.

Sa UP ko lang talaga nahanap kahit paano kung ano ang niche ko, kung saan ako magaling, kung saan ako pwedeng maging magaling. Sa MBB din ako nakakilala ng iba't-ibang klaseng tao na okay sa kanilang paraan, nakapagkaibigan sa mga hindi ko naisip na kakaibiganin ko. Sa MBB, wala akong issue. Walang masakit na nangyari. Sa MBB din ako nakahanap ng mga taong makakaintindi ng mga ibang bagay na ako mismo hindi ko maintindihan. Lahat yata ng eccentricities tinatanggap sa MBB, sooner or later, at tinatawanan nalang. Sa MBB din, good influence ang mga tao. Inosente, kung tutuusin, kumpara sa mga kaedad namin ngayon. Mga isip bata, sabi ng kaibigan ni Andrea. At sabi nga ni Lei, magkakahawig daw kami ng ugali, kami-kami sa MBB. Haha. Total immersion ba ito sa isa't-isa?

Eto nga ang kinakatakutan ko noon, kaya umiiwas ako na makita sila. Maliban sa tinatamad ako, naisip ko kasi mas madaling kumawala at pumutol ng ties kapag hindi mo na nakikita yung mga taong iiwan mo din. Ngunit eto ako, sinasabing mas masaya ako sa MBB ngunit hinahanap pa rin ang pusong mukhang naiwan sa high school, at eto akong dating umiiwas makita ang blocmates na ngayo'y gustong sulitin ang mga natitirang araw bago ako magsimula ng panibagong biyahe na hindi sila kasamang lahat, habang nagiisip kung paano nga ba mapapanatiling malapit sa isa't-isa. Sa bawat sikreto na ibinahagi ng isa sa bloc (dahil sadyang mabilis kumalat ang balita sa amin, haha) ay mas lalong nagkakilanlan ang mga tao, mas nagtiwala, mas tumibay ang samahan. Ngunit nabubura ang mga sikreto, nawawalan ng halaga sa paglipas ng panahon, at matapos nun ay mayroon pa bang panghahawakan ang dating malapit na magkakaibigan?

Hindi ko alam, kaya ako natatakot.

Alam ko namang makakatagpo din ako ng mga bagong kaibigan sa med. Kaya lang, hindi katulad ng mga damit na pinaglumaan o kinalakihan, sana pwede pa rin itago ang mga dating kaibigan. Magbabago ang maraming bagay sa maraming tao, pero sana masubaybayan iyon ng puso ko kahit sa malayo... at kayaning makisabay para sa aming muling pagkikita, parang walang nagbago. Parang hindi lumipas ang panahon. Iisa pa rin ang pintig ng mga ito.

A picture paints a thousand words.

Right. I marked it with "OVERPIMPED," so I guess the picture just speaks nine hundred and ninety-nine. But I swear, this is how David Cook will always look to me: SCREECHING.

Am still furious about last night's pimping. Come on. Since when has "I don't wanna miss a thing" been one of the greatest songs of all time? Sure, if it only had "Mary Had A Little Lamb" to compete with. Screw you, Simon. And you too, Nigel, who, according to a report, was seen jumping up and down with joy after Cook's overpimped screeches... Er yeah, performance. Or so they called it.

The more I watch Cook and Syesha and yeah, Brooke White as well, the more I'm convinced that they really work hard to affect a certain effect. White nods too often it looks so fake, Cook tries to smile but ends up smirking, and when he bows his head in acknowledgment it's as plastic as Barbie dolls made by Mattel, and Syesha swaying her hips is an annoyance. I liked all of them better when they were just, you know, natural. Struggling with words whenever they were asked, as though they hadn't practised or imagined that moment.

But yeah, Syesha and White are history, and I'm supposed to be bashing Cook in this post. Yeah, Cook and his screeches for the past couple of weeks. I refuse to pay to have somebody yell at me, thank you very much. If that's music to people, then I'd prefer silence. And really, comparing him to Daughtry. I've heard the much talked about Daughtry (finally), and hello, there is no comparison. No comparison whatsoever. Daughtry is like, his own style personified, and Cook sounds like what majority of the rockers sound like, I suppose he'll fade into somewhere sometime soon. Well, sooner than most people expect anyway.

But hey, he's already 25, so I'd say give him a chance. LOL. I guess I should stop bashing Cook right here, right now, lest I have another word war with a friend or a family member or classmate or whoever. I welcome differences in tastes, you know. Hell, I couldn't care less if you don't think Britney Spears stinks. But with that openmindedness that I espouse, I expect the same level from people I meet. Would I be bashing Cook, or anybody else, for that matter, if people had not first attacked and dressed down David Archuleta, who I am a fan of?

So yeah, this is a shoutout to all the David Cook fans (including family members who annoyed me so much I wanted to hex them into oblivion) I've fought with over the last gew days, who are supposedly older than me and more intelligent and more mature than my twenty years of existence.

Grow up, and stop bitching around.

David Cook can take home the crown, for all I care. Our David doesn't need it, endless hours of promotions and stuff and having to put up with Nigel.

May you be the American Idol, David Cook. Amen. Rascal from notingDavid.org, a David Archuleta fan, is also rooting for you.

In many ways, David Cook is the ideal American Idol. He’s familiar, he’s predictable, he fits easily into a predefined genre with which everyone is quite comfortable. Because the scope of his professional character is already delineated the additional branding of American Idol won’t succeed in fully defining him. But perhaps most important, he’ll make people feel as though they’re choosing something a bit rebellious when in fact they’re choosing the most conventional contemporary archetype of them all."

The real rebel in this competition is David Archuleta. David fits no mold whatsoever, and that’s precisely why the press has had such difficulty trying to explain and categorize him (definable buckets being the critical workaround to having to characterize something truly original). Oh, the critics have tried glibly to pigeonhole David as a Disney type or a Christian singer or a boy-band figure, and there are perhaps elements of all of these in him, but none define him with any real measure, not the way the simple moniker of “rocker” defines David Cook.


Our David is a indeed study in character. He's that "unflappable reay of sunshine," with a smile that just doesn't want to quit and gloriously illuminated with a pearly light that, as one reporter has said after being in his presence, made her a believer. But I've always believed that he has this hidden steel, of which we caught a glimpse when he defended his song choice when he sung "You're the Voice". Amidst all the rumours that been plaguing him since he started on AI, especially about his supposed stage dad, he has kept his manners, remaining pleasant and choosing to ignore the media hounding him.

"Don't you trust us?" a journalist was said to have asked Archuleta.

"Never trust the media," our David answered, and that was the second time we've seen how mature and how smart Archuleta is, despite his normally shy demeanour and his stuttering onstage.

This week, with the news that his father's backstage pass has been revoked, our David has finally spoken up in his father's defense... Without the famous giggles, the stumbling around words, the fidgeting of hands. Directly and steely, Archuleta can be quoted as saying, "I'm 17! I think I can stand up for myself if I want a glass of water."

Amazing kid. He doesn't need to win the title, but he must win. I'd want him to win just to that smile on his face and just to put all the haters, the critics and the cynics in their place and prove to everybody that yes, even with the wickedness gaining momentum over creation, untainted good can still exist, in the voice of a seventeen-year-old boy who uses his gift in a mission to serve.

I wish I can find words eloquent enough to explain why I, who has never cared much for reality shows or for television, for that matter, has carved a part of my life supporting and defending Archuleta. But I can't. Words fail me, and I suspect even pictures will.

Eto ang gusto kong ibato kay Jong Uichico. P*nyemes, walang tamang mura para sabihin kung gaano ako nabw-bw*sit sa kanya. Lalo na after ngayong gabi. Adjustmets, adjustments. Ulol. Sinong pinagloloko niya? Sa sobrang bobo niya, hindi ko ma-fathom!


Mag-resign ka na, please! JONG RESIGN! Ilang taon ko na ba 'to sinisigaw?

Gusto ko rin batuhin ng kamatis ang tatay ni David Archuleta. P*nyemes din siya, okay. Ano bang pinag-gagawa niya?! *screams in frustration* Sinisira niya lahat ng pinaghihirapan ng anak niya!

Damn them both to hell!

Can I gloat?

Can I just gloat about how David Archuleta swept the competition tonight?!

I was worried about this week, which I thought had been designed to give David Cook the edge he needs to really pull away. I was wrong. It seems like I had been underestimating David Archuleta lately, but he's back. He really is.

Cook said something in last week's results' show that was tantamount to saying he really wanted to win this competition. It has been reported, however, that David Archuleta had been heard telling his mum that he had realised how much he wanted to win this thing as well.

It was that decision, that consciousness, that made all the difference last night. It was evdient from the certainty with which he hit the first note, from the way he reverted to his old, giggling self, unmindful of the criticism he knew it would stir again.

That's the David Archuleta I'm sure all the Arch Angels have been missing for quite some time now, however vaguely.

Well... the wish we've long been talking about in the forums has been granted.

I caught tonight's episode of Pinoy Idol, right after watching American Idol's rerun and seeing Magnolia triumph (surprisingly) over Red Bull. It's kinda strange, watching Coach Siot just stand calmly by the sidelines. It's not something I'm used to.

Anyway, where was I? Ah, Pinoy Idol. Tonight, they screened the almost 200 contestants who escaped the auditions and received a golden ticket, narrowing the hopefuls down to a mere ninety. I never had high hopes for this competition in the first place, disliking the fact that they were advertising it as though "Philippine Idol", which aired on ABC5, had never existed. COME ON. Load of dung. Besdies, "Philippine Idol" wasn't that successful anyway; they certainly didn't get people with enough charisma to draw me in, and I'm pretty certain I can say the same for the general public.

But then again, I suppose ABC5 back then did poorly in marketing "Philippine Idol" and so failed to attract fantastic singers. Hell, they even failed to market their winner (don't even remember her whole name, duh) so she could sell. I expected better marketing skills from GMA7.

Okay, so they had people from all over the country flock to their auditions... and all sorts too, from the son of a datu to people with ah... special abilities (that's what they call it today). Everybody had a chance (or so that's what the judges tried to make the people believe). But again, COME ON. This is show business; some people are born to do it and some aren't. I certainly spotted more than a few contestants who made it based on that they looked, well, looked like their looks needed less work than the others. That's fine with me.

What I didn't like was that it was painfully obvious what they were looking for. They weren't on the search for the "Pinoy Idol"; they were looking for the next "Pinoy Pop Superstar". Yeah, I know they had an old show that went with the same title, but I couldn't help but use that pun. The judges favored those who could sing R&B, pop songs and ballads. I mean, I guess I couldn't fault them because they probably had no choice, seeing as all the contestants sounded THE SAME. Or rather, they all sounded like somebody I've heard in the past. And I just don't mean their style on singing; they have that same voice quality that just screams, "Hey, I'm copying Regine Velasquez or Jaya or Ogie or somebody else equally famous". I can excuse, certainly, the more different ones: there was one who sounded like nails scratching on the blackboard, one who sounded as though he was in a declamation contest... They were different, certainly, but they were awful.

I was hoping this one guy who had a really good voice, a voice that's almost theatrical, could get in. His voice was whole and pure, and yeah, never mind how he looks like. And then Wynguard Tracy, who obviously goes for the pop thing, had to make a crack about the Broadway voice. Stupid. I don't know why they're encouraging pop so much when we already have more pop singers than we can use them for. Isn't it obvious that Pinoys dig more into rock bands nowadays? Seems to me like Pinoy Idol is on a suicide mission.

I also hated the comments that went along the lines of "Hindi iyan ang hinahanap namin sa Pinoy Idol", just because the contestant wasn't pop-ish, even though the contestant sang just as well as the others who preceded him (Er, that wasn't exactly a compliment). Damn, the show does not recognise individuality, not even the charm that each musical genre can offer. How can they ever hope to appeal to the Filipinos' different tastes in music?

So yeah, to conclude this little rant, all I can say is that the judges are screwing Pinoy Idol. Totally. Ogie was complimenting a singer, saying "parang daling-dali ka," when in fact I think the girl's face was so scrunched up in difficulty, she's going to develop lines all over. Jolina, I can excuse, because I think the show has scripted her to be the kind, encouraging one, and also because she's a pop icon. And she's on target when she says somebody misses too many notes, etc. However dim, she's the only light in this show.

Pinoy Idol is headed for disaster, that much I can say. It was the same way with Pinoy Pop Superstar; they kept on producing the same kinds of winners (gosh the girls all even look something alike), the public has gotten rather tired of it.

I wanted to say something about American Idol in relation to this post, but now I'm not so sure if I should lest I get bitten by narrow-minded bugs who'd slam me for being colonial in mind. But I guess I'll say something, if only briefly: American Idol has high ratings, despite all talks about the show being rigged, because they showcase different kinds of singers. Take a look at their Top 4: Syesha's the diva, David A's the pop balladeer, David C's the rocker, Jason's style is more laidback, something suited for acoustic nights.

I'm sure the Philippines doesn't lack a diversity of singers, but I'm also sure they didn't all try out for Pinoy Idol. That begs the obvious question of why. Maybe they think they don't need Pinoy Idol at all, and that's a point against the show and the way it has been marketed. Or maybe there have been those who tried out and, like Mr. Broadway, got rejected. Maybe they weren't good enough, or maybe, like my conspiracy theory suggested, the show had been conceptualised so that it discriminates against them. I'm willing to be some bucks the one who ultimately wins Pinoy Idol is somebody like Ogie, Regine, and all the other young contestants who've won before them.

Whatever the reason for the mediocrity, the blandness and lack of versatility among the contestants (nobody needs a crystal ball to be able to predict that, or even be a masterclass, for that matter), the fact that it will happen only has one inevitable conclusion.

Oh, wow. Why am I not on tenterhooks?

Could it be that you're merely holding on to a memory, that what you really love is the memory?

Yes, June, I see your point.

I've thought of that. But if I were in love with the memory, wouldn't I have fallen out of it since he had changed, since that memory is no more? But I still feel the same way. No, I still feel for him. See, I saw him as he changed over time. I felt it. I knew in my heart that he wasn't that person I used to know. But what I feel... It doesn't disappear. It changes, but it changes with him, and I guess I can even say it grows.

Aww. That was so sweet.

I meant it.

Pero...

Don't worry about it. It's not a big deal. Well, it is, but it really isn't. I just like knowing that it's there, that well... I don't hold out much hope for it, but I keep it alive, somehow. Just in case. And just to assure myself that I can still feel.

Haha. Bakit, hindi ka na ba nakakaramdam?

Well, there are times that I feel that door to my compassion shut, and all that's left is ruthlessness. Yun nga yung sinasabi din ni Carlo, na parang wala na akong reaction. Hindi na ako nagugulat sa mga bagay.
Sabi ko nga kay Kent, kaya ako magme-med para mas lumabas yung compassionate side ko. Hindi yung pagiging manipulative.

The devil.

Yeah.

Pero kinikilig pa din ako.

Alam mo, Roxanne, I think I know why it didn't matter so much to me then. I had politics to distract myself with, kaya nalaman kong it's the best diversion from life. Nag-set in nalang sa akin super after na.

Kausapin mo kaya.

Ah, no. I don't want any mess. If there's anything I have to settle, it would be with her. Sometimes I feel like I could hate her, you know, and the only thing that's stopping me is the fact we've been friends for so long, hate for past transgressions is pointless.

Andami mong issues sa friends mo.

Hindi, eto lang naman. Saka yung fact na hindi rin naman ako makakapagkwento ng ganito sa kanila, ng mga gory details. I've tried, paminsan, pero they don't really seem to get it. I don't know if it's because they don't think it's real enough or because they think I'm not supposed to be talking anymore or simply because they don't like talking about it. So I don't talk about it much. Kaya kay Andoi ko sinasabi. Or kay Joshua. Si Andoi... Nagegets niya kasi ako agad pag ito yung pinaguusapan, at nagrerespond talaga siya. Well ngayon, saka kayo.

Naiinis na ako pag naiisip ko iyang kwento. Naiinis ako.

Sorry. Hindi ako naiinis pag naiisip ko 'to. Minsan nga parang natatawa pa ako, if only for the absurdity of it all. But in a weird way, talking about it, about him, makes me happy. Genuinely happy.


And so we moved on to other topics, talking the hours to dawn (to sunrise, haha, like we joked last night). Only three of us survived it; Andoi, Dindin, Gabs, Blessie and Glai all went to sleep.

Disclaimer: I didn't have anything to drink last night. Puro ice cube lang kinain ko. Arjay was jokingly trying to get me drunk (lol), but I don't even like how alcoholic drinks look, so ugh. No way in the world I'm going to end up tasting them.

As usual, ako na naman daw ang surprise guest ng party. Hahaha. Pero masaya din kasi nakabonding ko din kahit paano sina Clint at Dindin. Si Kristina ay nalasing (although in denial), pero hindi pa rin nabawasan ang pagiging antipatika niya, at si Joshua ay nagka-memory gap (thank heavens). Si Kent, himala, ay hindi nalasing. Mga ala-una na ng umaga nang nagsialisan ang mga tao eh, at ewan ko ba, kaming tatlo nina June at Roxanne ang nagayos nung hihigaan namin sa baba. Mga walang dalang pambihis, haha, kaya siguro hirap din kami makatulog.

Sabi ko nga kay June kagabi, less troublesome ang college, at mas at home talaga ako sa MBB kaysa sa Pisay. Wholesome nga daw kami, sabi ng friend ni Andoi. At kagabi anyway, andami kong nalaman kahit kina Roxanne at June, na usually nakakwentuhan ko din naman. Lalo na kay Roxanne, haha! Kaya super fun. No holds barred sa pagkwkwento. At walang ready-made judgment.

Naisip ko nga, omg, paano ang med school nito? Buti nalang nandun pa rin si Joshua. And Andoi is one tricycle away. Hahaha. Sabi ko kay Carlo kagabi, ngayon nararamdaman ko na talaga na eto ang calling ko; naiimagine ko na ang sarili ko na ginagawa to for the rest of my life. Kagabi nga, pinagusapan din namin nina June at Roxanne kung anong buhay namin five, ten years from now. Sabi ko parang gusto ko na maging medico-legal. Kaso naman puro patay na yung hahawakan mo nun, pero para kang detective din. At may koneksyon sa law. Haha. Naweirduhan si Andoi, na inaantok na talaga, at natulog nalang. Hahaha.

Well, kagabi nagcrack ako. Feeling ko nagulat sina June, kasi ganun lang naman ako pagdating sa acads o sa basketball. Alam kong kahit madilim, narinig nilang nagcrack yung boses ko. Haha. Arjay and Kevin are going to have a field day out of this pag narinig nila na nagkwento ako. Hahaha. Lalo na si Arjay. At baka maheart attack si Gabs.

Ngayon, tintype ko to at iniisip ko na eto exactly ang kinakatakot ko, kaya hindi ako nagpapakita sa kanila bago graduation. Lalo ko silang mamimiss. Pero well. Hahaha. Si Andoi talaga, lalo na. At si Roxanne. Kagabi, nappreciate ko talaga si June at si Roxanne, na nakikinig lang sila. Walang insistence na, "Come on. You have to get over that" or something to that effect. Hindi nila dinismiss basta-basta. Iyon yung klase ng understanding na hinahanap ko noon pa. Walang roll ng eyes, "Ano ba iyan" or anything na... Basta. Na nagsusuggest na nagi-ilusyon lang ako. Na hindi tatawanan yung judgment ko noon, kahit mga mali. Or hindi iisipin na nagffeeling lang ako pag nagkwkwento ako ng ganun.

Anyway, so mataas na ang sikat ng araw habang tintype ko to. Today is yesterday's tomorrow, sabi nga nila. Basta super thankful ako sa last night at nakapaglabas ako ng stuff nang ganun. Nalasing yata ako sa yelo. At ayun, alas-singko na kami ng umaga nakatulog, at kamusta iyan, ang ingay ng alarm clock ni Dindin! Haha. Sila na nga itong tulog nang mahaba-haba, sila pa din ung parang inaantok. Panalo. Haha. Lalo na si Glai, na parang hindi maidilat ang mata.

Bakit ko ba to sinusulat? Haha. Siguro, katulad ng dati, gusto ko ng record ng events. Para masharpen memory ko. Ang tagal ko nang hindi nagsusulat openly kasi may dangers ang ganun, pero today, I feel rather reckless. LOL. Hindi naman. Today, wala akong paki sinong makabasa nito. Kahit lurker, yeah. To hell with it.

Ah, to hell with everything else. RIght now, gusto ko munang matulog uli. Haha. :)


Yesterday, I was doing a Google search on David Archuleta for new articles (para mas mafeel ng AI na malakas ang demand sa kanya, haha), and then I came across Yahoo! Answers stuff that say a lot of bad stuff about him, like how fake he is, etc. Load of dung, if you ask me. The world has come to a bad situation so much so that everything seemingly golden has to be tainted; such is the world's cynicism. It seems to me that lately, the trend is that somebody's maturity can be ajudged by his or her own pessismism about the world. It's as if it almost becomes necessary to showcase one's worldliness... and rather wearily, I might add.

Take David Archuleta, for example. Look at his eyes; they're so clear, and there's a certain light in them that I find impossible to fake. It's the same way with my brother's Science teacher, whom I met a while ago. There was that open honesty on his face, the light from it almost blinding me, and I just knew he was good.

How can people not believe that real goodness, that purity of heart, does not exist? Why must they always try to find something wrong with it?

It's not maturity; it's immaturity, in fact. It shows the inability of people to maintain their hopes, to keep them in check even with all the bad things happening today. But if older, supposedly more mature people insist on it being maturity, then fine. I"D RATHER NOT BE MATURE!

Andrea and I were also talking about this last night. She was telling me how old she felt, even among us. I replied in jest that she was really old anyway, haha. But then I reminded her that with her buoyancy, she really is still a child. And I told her I was hoping she wouldn't lose that childishness. Sometimes all it takes to make the world a better place, a more cheerful place to live in, is to view it in the eyes of a child. Whenever I think that way, I'm always amazed with the results.

It's the same thing about science, I guess. I see God whenever I do science. I marvel at the complexity of the world He has created, and I regard myself as blessed that I am one of those attempting to shed light on some of the wonderful secrets of the universe. I think that no matter how far man gets in science, always, the triumphs should be attributed to God, because it is He who made us in the first place. It is He who designed everything and has given us the brains to discover it, so that once we uncover its glory we may praise Him. This is one of the reasons why I can now imagine myself as a doctor. I'd love for the chance to do science and save lives and forever espouse the sanctity of life.

Of course, people who don't believe in God will say that everything, from the creation of the universe to the creation of themselves, could have happened randomly. I guess it will all boil down to the idea that what would a person prefer more anyway: the idea that he and his world was made by accident, or that his existence has a purpose? I'd prefer the latter, as it makes life more meaningful. And besides, even if we talk about randomness... Who has delegated that things move in random? Someone higher than us, of course. I can see no other answer.

Carlo was telling me he envied me these thoughts; he told me I must have found my niche to be able to speak this way. I guess I must have, and it makes me happy. In fact, I think it's a beginning of what some people call "stubborn joy".

I told Carlo that I was glad I went into the sciences because the humanities seemed too... human, I guess. Human-centered, maybe, so much so that they think that everything is man-made, and so how can they see God? But of course now I realise that I was wrong in saying that. After all, God made man, and man is an instrument in which he works wonders. So in essence, civilisation is still God's working.

Anyway, talking with my bloc mates and with Carlo the night before has triggered a lot of thoughts and discussions, I feel rather tired about repeating them all here.

At the end of all things, I still don't presume to know or understand or secondguess the way life works anyway. I'm still learning. I'm still thinking.

That means I'm far from being mature. YAY for that. :)