Could it be that you're merely holding on to a memory, that what you really love is the memory?

Yes, June, I see your point.

I've thought of that. But if I were in love with the memory, wouldn't I have fallen out of it since he had changed, since that memory is no more? But I still feel the same way. No, I still feel for him. See, I saw him as he changed over time. I felt it. I knew in my heart that he wasn't that person I used to know. But what I feel... It doesn't disappear. It changes, but it changes with him, and I guess I can even say it grows.

Aww. That was so sweet.

I meant it.

Pero...

Don't worry about it. It's not a big deal. Well, it is, but it really isn't. I just like knowing that it's there, that well... I don't hold out much hope for it, but I keep it alive, somehow. Just in case. And just to assure myself that I can still feel.

Haha. Bakit, hindi ka na ba nakakaramdam?

Well, there are times that I feel that door to my compassion shut, and all that's left is ruthlessness. Yun nga yung sinasabi din ni Carlo, na parang wala na akong reaction. Hindi na ako nagugulat sa mga bagay.
Sabi ko nga kay Kent, kaya ako magme-med para mas lumabas yung compassionate side ko. Hindi yung pagiging manipulative.

The devil.

Yeah.

Pero kinikilig pa din ako.

Alam mo, Roxanne, I think I know why it didn't matter so much to me then. I had politics to distract myself with, kaya nalaman kong it's the best diversion from life. Nag-set in nalang sa akin super after na.

Kausapin mo kaya.

Ah, no. I don't want any mess. If there's anything I have to settle, it would be with her. Sometimes I feel like I could hate her, you know, and the only thing that's stopping me is the fact we've been friends for so long, hate for past transgressions is pointless.

Andami mong issues sa friends mo.

Hindi, eto lang naman. Saka yung fact na hindi rin naman ako makakapagkwento ng ganito sa kanila, ng mga gory details. I've tried, paminsan, pero they don't really seem to get it. I don't know if it's because they don't think it's real enough or because they think I'm not supposed to be talking anymore or simply because they don't like talking about it. So I don't talk about it much. Kaya kay Andoi ko sinasabi. Or kay Joshua. Si Andoi... Nagegets niya kasi ako agad pag ito yung pinaguusapan, at nagrerespond talaga siya. Well ngayon, saka kayo.

Naiinis na ako pag naiisip ko iyang kwento. Naiinis ako.

Sorry. Hindi ako naiinis pag naiisip ko 'to. Minsan nga parang natatawa pa ako, if only for the absurdity of it all. But in a weird way, talking about it, about him, makes me happy. Genuinely happy.


And so we moved on to other topics, talking the hours to dawn (to sunrise, haha, like we joked last night). Only three of us survived it; Andoi, Dindin, Gabs, Blessie and Glai all went to sleep.

Disclaimer: I didn't have anything to drink last night. Puro ice cube lang kinain ko. Arjay was jokingly trying to get me drunk (lol), but I don't even like how alcoholic drinks look, so ugh. No way in the world I'm going to end up tasting them.

As usual, ako na naman daw ang surprise guest ng party. Hahaha. Pero masaya din kasi nakabonding ko din kahit paano sina Clint at Dindin. Si Kristina ay nalasing (although in denial), pero hindi pa rin nabawasan ang pagiging antipatika niya, at si Joshua ay nagka-memory gap (thank heavens). Si Kent, himala, ay hindi nalasing. Mga ala-una na ng umaga nang nagsialisan ang mga tao eh, at ewan ko ba, kaming tatlo nina June at Roxanne ang nagayos nung hihigaan namin sa baba. Mga walang dalang pambihis, haha, kaya siguro hirap din kami makatulog.

Sabi ko nga kay June kagabi, less troublesome ang college, at mas at home talaga ako sa MBB kaysa sa Pisay. Wholesome nga daw kami, sabi ng friend ni Andoi. At kagabi anyway, andami kong nalaman kahit kina Roxanne at June, na usually nakakwentuhan ko din naman. Lalo na kay Roxanne, haha! Kaya super fun. No holds barred sa pagkwkwento. At walang ready-made judgment.

Naisip ko nga, omg, paano ang med school nito? Buti nalang nandun pa rin si Joshua. And Andoi is one tricycle away. Hahaha. Sabi ko kay Carlo kagabi, ngayon nararamdaman ko na talaga na eto ang calling ko; naiimagine ko na ang sarili ko na ginagawa to for the rest of my life. Kagabi nga, pinagusapan din namin nina June at Roxanne kung anong buhay namin five, ten years from now. Sabi ko parang gusto ko na maging medico-legal. Kaso naman puro patay na yung hahawakan mo nun, pero para kang detective din. At may koneksyon sa law. Haha. Naweirduhan si Andoi, na inaantok na talaga, at natulog nalang. Hahaha.

Well, kagabi nagcrack ako. Feeling ko nagulat sina June, kasi ganun lang naman ako pagdating sa acads o sa basketball. Alam kong kahit madilim, narinig nilang nagcrack yung boses ko. Haha. Arjay and Kevin are going to have a field day out of this pag narinig nila na nagkwento ako. Hahaha. Lalo na si Arjay. At baka maheart attack si Gabs.

Ngayon, tintype ko to at iniisip ko na eto exactly ang kinakatakot ko, kaya hindi ako nagpapakita sa kanila bago graduation. Lalo ko silang mamimiss. Pero well. Hahaha. Si Andoi talaga, lalo na. At si Roxanne. Kagabi, nappreciate ko talaga si June at si Roxanne, na nakikinig lang sila. Walang insistence na, "Come on. You have to get over that" or something to that effect. Hindi nila dinismiss basta-basta. Iyon yung klase ng understanding na hinahanap ko noon pa. Walang roll ng eyes, "Ano ba iyan" or anything na... Basta. Na nagsusuggest na nagi-ilusyon lang ako. Na hindi tatawanan yung judgment ko noon, kahit mga mali. Or hindi iisipin na nagffeeling lang ako pag nagkwkwento ako ng ganun.

Anyway, so mataas na ang sikat ng araw habang tintype ko to. Today is yesterday's tomorrow, sabi nga nila. Basta super thankful ako sa last night at nakapaglabas ako ng stuff nang ganun. Nalasing yata ako sa yelo. At ayun, alas-singko na kami ng umaga nakatulog, at kamusta iyan, ang ingay ng alarm clock ni Dindin! Haha. Sila na nga itong tulog nang mahaba-haba, sila pa din ung parang inaantok. Panalo. Haha. Lalo na si Glai, na parang hindi maidilat ang mata.

Bakit ko ba to sinusulat? Haha. Siguro, katulad ng dati, gusto ko ng record ng events. Para masharpen memory ko. Ang tagal ko nang hindi nagsusulat openly kasi may dangers ang ganun, pero today, I feel rather reckless. LOL. Hindi naman. Today, wala akong paki sinong makabasa nito. Kahit lurker, yeah. To hell with it.

Ah, to hell with everything else. RIght now, gusto ko munang matulog uli. Haha. :)


Yesterday, I was doing a Google search on David Archuleta for new articles (para mas mafeel ng AI na malakas ang demand sa kanya, haha), and then I came across Yahoo! Answers stuff that say a lot of bad stuff about him, like how fake he is, etc. Load of dung, if you ask me. The world has come to a bad situation so much so that everything seemingly golden has to be tainted; such is the world's cynicism. It seems to me that lately, the trend is that somebody's maturity can be ajudged by his or her own pessismism about the world. It's as if it almost becomes necessary to showcase one's worldliness... and rather wearily, I might add.

Take David Archuleta, for example. Look at his eyes; they're so clear, and there's a certain light in them that I find impossible to fake. It's the same way with my brother's Science teacher, whom I met a while ago. There was that open honesty on his face, the light from it almost blinding me, and I just knew he was good.

How can people not believe that real goodness, that purity of heart, does not exist? Why must they always try to find something wrong with it?

It's not maturity; it's immaturity, in fact. It shows the inability of people to maintain their hopes, to keep them in check even with all the bad things happening today. But if older, supposedly more mature people insist on it being maturity, then fine. I"D RATHER NOT BE MATURE!

Andrea and I were also talking about this last night. She was telling me how old she felt, even among us. I replied in jest that she was really old anyway, haha. But then I reminded her that with her buoyancy, she really is still a child. And I told her I was hoping she wouldn't lose that childishness. Sometimes all it takes to make the world a better place, a more cheerful place to live in, is to view it in the eyes of a child. Whenever I think that way, I'm always amazed with the results.

It's the same thing about science, I guess. I see God whenever I do science. I marvel at the complexity of the world He has created, and I regard myself as blessed that I am one of those attempting to shed light on some of the wonderful secrets of the universe. I think that no matter how far man gets in science, always, the triumphs should be attributed to God, because it is He who made us in the first place. It is He who designed everything and has given us the brains to discover it, so that once we uncover its glory we may praise Him. This is one of the reasons why I can now imagine myself as a doctor. I'd love for the chance to do science and save lives and forever espouse the sanctity of life.

Of course, people who don't believe in God will say that everything, from the creation of the universe to the creation of themselves, could have happened randomly. I guess it will all boil down to the idea that what would a person prefer more anyway: the idea that he and his world was made by accident, or that his existence has a purpose? I'd prefer the latter, as it makes life more meaningful. And besides, even if we talk about randomness... Who has delegated that things move in random? Someone higher than us, of course. I can see no other answer.

Carlo was telling me he envied me these thoughts; he told me I must have found my niche to be able to speak this way. I guess I must have, and it makes me happy. In fact, I think it's a beginning of what some people call "stubborn joy".

I told Carlo that I was glad I went into the sciences because the humanities seemed too... human, I guess. Human-centered, maybe, so much so that they think that everything is man-made, and so how can they see God? But of course now I realise that I was wrong in saying that. After all, God made man, and man is an instrument in which he works wonders. So in essence, civilisation is still God's working.

Anyway, talking with my bloc mates and with Carlo the night before has triggered a lot of thoughts and discussions, I feel rather tired about repeating them all here.

At the end of all things, I still don't presume to know or understand or secondguess the way life works anyway. I'm still learning. I'm still thinking.

That means I'm far from being mature. YAY for that. :)